Thursday, December 24, 2020


The news I'd been dreading for years finally arrived.

I found out on Christmas that you were gone forever, and my chest has been filled with glass ever since.

Black paper hearts taped to my door on Valentine's day...letters on notebook paper.

Seeing Dimmu Borgir and Samael at the Wetlands with you. I shot a whole roll of film of the bands. It never occurred to me to take a picture of you. 

Dream Hunters: The Monk and The Fox. You kissed me on the cheek and I wiped it off, trying ot be funny. You called me an asshole for years. You were right.

I looked for photos of us and couldn't find any. Was there ever an "us"? Was any of it real?

Some love is better unrequited.

Time and oceans separated us, but I never thought it would be forever.

Did you think of me still, in those years I didn't hear from you? Did you remember me fondly? Or was I just another asshole who let you down?

No matter how many times I apologize, it'll never be enough.

I wish I believed in heaven

I wish I believed in a soul

I wish you were in a better place looking down on me right now.

I wish you knew how sorry I am - about what I did, and what I didn't do.

I wish you knew how much I really cared, how I dreamed of giving you a better life. No more crappy jobs, no more asshole boyfriends. A place of your own, to live, to paint, to be yourself.

I dreamed of buying a house and leaving it to you.

In a rare moment of optimism, I thought I would be gone first.

I was told you drank til your heart stopped.

A single heart was never meant to absorb so much sorrow. No wonder yours was always breaking. You had to endure so much.

I'll never forget. I'll be a better person.

Love and gratitude eternally.