Thursday, May 8, 2014

City of ghosts

Being back in NY has been a little strange this time around. On one hand, I don't feel the constant rage and alienation that I experience in KL. But there's also a sadness I never felt before as I walk down old streets that are rapidly changing and I sometimes can't recognize.

One of my close friends told me that seeing me back here is like seeing a ghost.

On the other hand, every time I see one of my friends, it's like finding a part of myself I've been missing for 3 years. I've sent more text messages in the last five days than in all three years I've been living in Malaysia. I'm connected to this city in a way I never was and most likely never be anywhere else.

I don't know what the future holds. I'm hoping to create a body of work that I can be proud of, but I don't know if it's going to be enough to afford moving back to NY in a few years. The cost of living here is soaring past what I'd be able to save just working in Malaysia. Visiting NY is like spending time with a girl you used to date who's slowly climbing out of your league, and the girl you're with sucks but you're probably going to be stuck with her forever because you don't have any other options. [Yes, Malaysia. You are the second girl in this scenario.]

It's becoming clear to me that time is a noose that's slowly tightening around my neck. Whatever I hope to accomplish in life, I need to get it done soon.